FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
(AND THE ANSWERS WE HAVE CHOSEN TO PROVIDE)
What exactly do you sell?
Ridiculous things. Specifically: print-on-demand merchandise featuring the Royal Squirrel Family and associated cast of characters. Apparel, drinkware, prints, accessories, and assorted objects of uncertain purpose. If it made us laugh for more than three minutes, it became a product.
Do I actually need any of this?
Absolutely not. That is the point. Necessity is the enemy of joy. Everything in the Royal Emporium exists because it should exist — not because anyone asked for it. You will want it. You will buy it. You will not regret it. (You might regret it a little. That’s part of the experience.)
How does ordering work?
You place an order. We (via our distinguished fulfillment partners at Printful) print your item specifically for you. Prince Badger oversees dispatch with great enthusiasm and slightly suspicious attention to detail. Your order ships directly to your door. The whole process is surprisingly professional for an operation of this nature.
How long does shipping take?
Because every item is printed on demand just for you, please allow 3–5 business days for production, plus shipping time. Standard shipping typically arrives within 5– 10 business days in the US. International orders take longer — the nonsense must clear customs, which respects no timeline. You will receive tracking information once your order ships.
What is your return policy?
Because each item is made to order, we do not accept returns for buyer’s remorse (though we respect the journey). However, if your item arrives damaged, misprinted, or otherwise not as described, please contact us within 30 days and we will make it right. We take quality seriously, even when we do not take ourselves seriously.
Who are The Lobsters from Lobster Haiku and why should I be concerned?
They are the nemesis of the Royal Court. Their motives are unclear. Their poetry is unsettling. We have been advised by legal counsel not to say more at this time. If you encounter them, do not make eye contact. Do not engage with the haiku. Come find us immediately.
Can I trust Prince Badger with my order?
Prince Badger is extremely professional and has never once let an order go awry. He is also definitely not planning anything. We have looked into it. Everything is fine.
Do you ship internationally?
Yes. Ridiculousness knows no borders. International shipping rates and times vary by destination. All orders ship from our Printful fulfillment partners, so your local customs may have opinions about the declared value of “one (1) novelty item of uncertain purpose.” We cannot help you there.
I have a question that isn’t answered here.
Excellent. We enjoy unusual questions. Send it to us via the Contact page and a member of the Royal Court — or Prince Badger, supervised — will respond with the gravity your inquiry deserves.
Still confused? Good.
Confusion means you’re paying attention. Do the stupid thing anyway.